The day my heart dropped and broke

I’ve watched enough TV medical drama shows to know that it’s bad news when everyone comes into your room. And group of experts just came into my hospital room. Two days pior I had an emergency C-section. The night before that I was induced for labor, I had to spend the night in the hospital so they could have monitor my health and my unborn baby’s health. And in the early hours of the morning I stopped breathing and nurses ran into my room , wake me up and explaining I had stopped breathing so they put an oxygen mask over my face. I fell back asleep didn’t think much of it and then finally woke up for the day. I got a shot in the back to numb lower half of my body, they broke my water but unfortunately no water came out. Apparently I had been leaking embryonic fluid for several days and I didn’t realize it. Of course this being my first(and only) time pregnant I don’t know what normal is and what isn’t.

And then I waited, my husband informed me he was going shopping with my cousin and I started feeling contractions 2 hours into it, I started silently crying because of the pain praying that the medicine kicks in soon. I guess I did because I fell back asleep and the next thing I know nurses again come running into my room screaming at me get on all fours, they wanted me to get on my hands and knees, I didn’t know what was wrong and I was trying to do what they demanded only then I realized my lower half was numb and yet somehow miraculously I managed to get on my hands and knees without assistance and without falling off a bed smaller than a twin sized bed, with nurses still screaming at me, and then one of the nurses finally looks at my charts and says she numb from the waist down. I just dropped my head in frustration. I stay in this position for maybe 1 minute before they tell me that I can lay back down on my back. As soon as I do they start moving my bed down the hall to surgery. Nobody was telling me exactly what was wrong and I couldn’t even think clearly to ask. All I had was my phone so I texted my husband’s and said they’re moving me to a different room. (My cousin later told me, once my husband saw my message my cousin told my husband they should get back to the hospital now, but he refused to rush back) As soon as I realize I was in a room prepped for surgery I calmly say to someone “So I guess I’m getting a C-section” and they only reply was “yep”. I remember them grabbing Abby out of me and I hear nothing but silence holding my breath waiting to hear her first cries it seemed like an eternity and then finally silence was broken with the loudest newborn baby cry they finally let me see her and she is smaller than I expected but beautiful and then I remember them counting all the surgery supplies to make sure they didn’t leave anything inside me before they sewed me up. I finally fall back asleep and wake up again to Abby’s cries and realize I was in a different room and then I hear some commotion outside the room and my husband walks in the room to check on us but only stays a minute and then walks back out. (It had been about an hours since abby was born, and he demanded to see Abby and I, but no one was really allowed to be in this recovery room.) I still don’t fully understand what happened but all I know is Abby is here and that’s enough for now. I wake again this time in my original hospital room, My family visited us later that evening but I was still pretty groggy and didn’t speak. The next morning my OBGYN comes into my room to explain everything. She tells me that Abby’s heartbeats were dropping and that getting me on all fours was supposed to help bring her heartbeat up but it didn’t work so I had to have surgery. And I told her thank you for saving my daughter’s life. At some point that day my husband went home and stayed there. I went to sleep that night and let Abby sleep in the nursery. A nurse came in around 2:00 in the morning tell me that Abby was turning blue and acting strange so they were going to continue to monitor her then about 5:00 in the morning I had a nurse stand in my doorway of my room, and spoke to me but my bed was probably 10 feet away to tell me my daughter is having seizures and they’re going to start running tests to figure out what’s causing it, they’re putting her in the NICU.( for those who don’t know it’s ICU for babies) I call my husband to tell him, and all he says to me is “let me know if anything else happens.” My heart dropped, and at that point I knew I was going to be a single parent whether or not we stay married. I didn’t try to argue with him or beg him to come I just said okay. I felt like I didn’t have the energy to argue with his decision and be strong for Abby at the same time. I then proceeded to call the rest of my family I called my mom and she said she would be there as soon as she unlocks her kitchen for her staff then I called my sister who lives the furthest away (45 minutes)and she says she is on her way. Called my cousin she came to. And then at 10:00 in the morning doctors, nurses, nurse practitioners, and social workers all pile into my room I knew something was seriously wrong with Abby. A doctor I don’t remember who he was or what his title was, he spoke up and said we ran CAT scan, MRI, EEG and ran blood tests and we discovered Abby has blood on her brain, not just a little bit, a whole quarter of Abby’s brain was covers in blood, the left front part, which is causing seizures which is making her turn blue and also she’s not moving and acting like a newborn baby should. And then all I can remember them saying that I shouldn’t expect her to ever walk or talk. My mouth dropped open as I tried to speak, but with my heart breaking, I just started crying the loudest ever in my life, then trying my hardest to regain composure. The doctor finally asks do you have any questions. I quietly shook my head and said no, I assumed if there’s anything else worth telling me they would have said it already and with that, everyone left except a social worker who stayed and talked with me I don’t remember what was said in that conversation I know she was trying her best to comfort me. Later that evening my husband and my dad show up and we go visit Abby in the NICU. She’s covered in wires hooked up to monitors, with a breathing tube in her nose, as well as a feeding tube. And she had little stickers with wires attached all over her head. After we’re done seeing her, again my husband goes home and I have to go back to my hospital room thankfully I was allowed to stay a couple of extra days in my room so I could stay close to Abby but eventually I had to check out of the hospital without her. When I got home I fell on my bed and cried myself to sleep. The next morning I alone, drove back up to the hospital to spend all day with her and the day after that and the day after that. My family would come maybe once or twice a week to visit her in the evening. That’s when my husband would visit too. I asked him every day if he would come with me but he just wanted to play World of WarCaft online. So I go and I’m just waiting to hear the next thing that needs to happen.